I dont think i can find a title for this entry, will probably be a jumble of thoughts and rantings. So much has happened, and I dont even think i can bear to pen down all that has happened. The past few days seem so much like a dream; I've never thought that I'd empathise with those authors who writes about the passing away of someone. Then, it seemed like something which will never happen to me, it was so far away, so fictional. When it finally happens, its like boom. Then silence. Then its like living in a vacumm, where there's no contact with the outside world, walking on clouds, doing things for the sake of doing things during the funeral, whatever it means to live your life like a dream.
I've always thought that I'd have to fly back from China when something happens to my grandma, but the morning they announced that she's not going to make it through the day, I still thought that it wont be that quick. She passed away around 2 hours after I've reached. The sounds, the sights, its still so clear in my mind. Her clogged breathing cuz of the plegm, all the females crying, sniffling away. The cries of desperation of my aunts, my silent tears. rarr tearing now.
I realise that grief's actually not a constant thing. It comes in waves, overpowering waves which leaves someone gasping for breathe, then it goes as quickly as it comes. The next moment, I'm laughing at something ridiculous my sis said. Denial's not foolproof. There times when there're gaps, and reality just pierces right through the heart. Its quick and the pain's shortlived, but it still hurts.
Simple things, just like looking at my grandma's cup at the altar brings back flashes of her in the kitchen, of the black coffee she always drank. The food they offered her at the table, but they missed out her favourite chilli. Minusing the years which I dont remember anything but that I was really cute and crawling around, I've known my grandma since sec 1. Of course she has been living with me since I was born, but those things she has done for us, those small little things, cooking mian4 sian4 for us, the qing1 tang1, all her yummy food.. No more. They become mere specks of memories, and in black and white here. The body is gone, yet the spirit lives on, carried in the form of sons, daughters, grandkids and great grandkids...
Life and death. Its merely a cycle. Ignoring demographics, every life which has passed on signifies the birth of a new one. Somehow, playing with my 7 year old cousin consoles me. The innocence which only a child can have and will eventually lose..Popo will be proud of what her grandkids will become, even if I cant control the future of others, I can control mine.
Its always amazing how life manages to balance out itself. Among the mourning and grief, its always jotted with family bonding, filled with laughter, joy, excitement. Gossiping about a certain cousin, in fact many cousins, doing stupid things, listening to the adults brood and boast about their past glory. It's ironic how a wake can unite the family, even the extended ones, and along the way expose the beauty and ugliness of a character. It really helps in coping with the grief. Life and death, youth and age, beauty and the ugly, grief and happiness.. I've always believed in the
yin and
yang, haven't I?=)
There're still so many things I've yet to blog about, my writing juices are drying up. Probably means that I'm feeling so much better.Or maybe its just that my tears have dried up and I'm just too emotionally tired..
On a lighter note, I went for a farewell dinner tonight. Finally felt a sense of normality, temporary as it is. Everything just zooms past, I'm flying in one day's time, just when I've yet to accept the current situation. Got a really cute and useful stuff from Shangyi, sth which can be warmed and cooled as and when you like. thanks!
Really touched and grateful for those who sent their condolences and offered a listening ear. Really appreciate it! Though it brought tears to my eyes.LOL. My eyes and nose plumbing seem to be on MC these few days. Come back! Argh=s must be hormones. Sometimes I dont even know why I'm crying, which is really really stupid, cuz my tears are flowing the same time I'm asking myself the reason for crying. its like" why am I crying"*flowssss*"stopcrying! no reason to cry!"*sniffs and wipes away mucus*"why STILL crying?!"*tears continue to flow*=-= so cheap. huh.
yeah, point is, thanks to all of you out there! Dun wan to name la. so mushy. eeee>< Do come send me off on wed 10 sep 0730 terminal 3 if you dun mind missing your beauty sleep. Muahaha.
